My first STD was from a foam party
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
