Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
