I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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