Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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