Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Everyone says I win the strip club
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
