just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
