I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
