I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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