i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
