no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
