I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize