I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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