That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
