i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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