The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
