It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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