There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
