I showed him my bush... on skype.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
