i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
