I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
