he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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