My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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