I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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