I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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