I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
