I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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