i dont even know how to be here
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
