Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
