I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My ass is underappreciated
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
