twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
