pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
