I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
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