Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
