Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
