I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
