I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
