I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
