I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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