Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
