Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
