the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
