i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
