I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Randomize
