dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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