Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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