I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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