tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We are two peas in an std pod
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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