A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
