I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Come share oat with me in your robe
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
