When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
