I cut my penus on the lid.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
