Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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