the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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