i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize