Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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